First, love or money?

3/18/07

In the smoky candlelight of a friend's one-table cantina, I share conversation with her and a local man. He asks me the inevitable question: why I am not married. (Because all women are considered old maids if they are not married by the age of 30.) I’m used to this question and have an automatic answer; I need to get a job and my career in-line first. This is something Filipinos understand, but those who have time on their hands or a great deal of curiosity, as this gentleman does, persist.

I tell him that it’s not uncommon for married people to fight about money in the U.S. and somtimes it can even end the marriage. He agrees. I would rather be financially stable before I get married. He shakes his head sadly at this and says that “Filipinos live by their hearts.”

Suddenly, I realize what an idiot I was for thinking that working first, career before everything and preaching that to my students was the right approach. I didn’t come from a poor family that struggled. I worked in high school and college but always had my parents to rely on if I needed help. I knew that I had a good chance to succeed if I worked hard. Life isn't as fair in the Philippines.

When I thought about my friends in St. Louis who were off and on welfare constantly and considered working poor. I knew their family life was what kept them from a breakdown. Yet, I knew that they would not agree with this Filipino man. While they had strong family values, they would prefer to wait to have a job before starting a family. Yet, my St. Louis friends know that financial stability as an American right and can be something achievable with time, pending extenuating circumstances beyond their control, and these seem to happen often. Whereas for working class Filipinos, unless they are graced with a scholarship or business sponsorship find themselves constantly battling to keep on top of their debts.

revisiting siniloan's charms in spring

3/12/08

I’m focused now on remembering every moment, every scent, every laugh/joke and suddenly finding life in Siniloan novel again.

The smell of oil and garlic or the tangy/salty smell of pork asado wafting from neighboring dirty kitchen’s every noon, through the almost identical pastel colored eye-lit curtains.
Little children chasing me down the block. Little kids no longer too ashamed to race me down the street on my daily jogs. Proud that girls are among those unafraid to get sweaty despite the adults jokes.

Falling asleep like a wet leaf onto the back of the jeepney driver’s head rest in a thick, soggy sleep. I never wake up until the very moment the jeepney turns the last bend before reaching the long stretch of high way adjacent rice fields outside my town. Maybe it catches any breeze undeterred by buildings and mountains because the sudden breeze and the sweet scent of the rice fields always wakes me up.

2/26/08

I really felt an intimate connection with farm animals today. The spring season has begun in Siniloan. I saw a baby calf standing on the side of the lush green rice fields today. And I felt so blessed to be alive and to meet this precious creature. The calf was white with brown spots and a cold wet black snout and enormous sad eyes with long lashes.

There was so much innocence and trust in her as she lifted her snout to sniff my fingers tips, only inches away from her nose. Her nostrils grew rounder and then sucked in air again. Her heart must have been racing a little. Mine surely was. I held my breath waiting for her next move. Eventually, she bowed her head down and I scratched and smoothed the white stripe between her eyes, gently.

I was in awe that I creature twice my weight at least could be so docile. The other day, I took the path to Halayhayin on the far side of the highway where most of the houses are made of wood or banana leaves and or thatched weaved leaved in nebah hut style. There were several baby cows and bulls graizing on the side of road. Two caves were nursing and their coats were matted and wet, their bodies thin and concave and their legs still shaky. They must have been new borns. So sweet.